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The Hoosier Martini

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My appreciation of Martini's is a genetic hand-me-down from my father, who makes Martinis in a huge Margarita glass when I visit him in Indiana.  As a true fan of REAL Martinis (i.e. GIN Martinis) and frequent beneficiary of the ancient intoxicant, I would like to share the fine art of making the perfect Martini.  The Hoosier Martini is a variant - really a refinement - of the 'Montgomery Martini'.  

The Montgomery Martini is of course named after the British General Sir, Bernard Montgomery of Second World War fame.  He refused to attack the Germans unless he was assured victory through overwhelming force.  Thus, a Montgomery martini is bucket loads of Gin with just a whisper of vermouth.

Vodka 'Martinis' are the favorite of commies.  They rank up there with 'appletinis' and 'chocolatini' as drinks utilized to make a dictatorial leftist, mass-murder kind of statement.  James Bond drinks Vodka Martinis of course, but you will note he only drinks them when he's trying to blend in with the commies.  Heck, for a dinner with Barbara Bach I'd chug molten lava!

To make the Hoosier Martini, you need to store your Martini glasses and your gin in your freezer.  Yes, the gin and glasses will take up quite a bit of room in that small space, but in reality, too many losers keep food in their freezer.  No wonder Americans are increasingly obese.  Ideally, the Martini glasses should be placed in the freezer while still damp after washing, giving the glasses a thin veneer of sparkling frost.

Of course the real reason for the Martini glass' unique and elegant design is so that partakers can hold them by the thin stem, thus preventing the hand from inadvertently warming the divine cocktail.

Dry vermouth, on the other hand, must be kept in a spray bottle in the fridge (unlike gin, vermouth will turn to ice if kept in the freezer).

To make the Hoosier Martini, you first add your ice to the frozen (if desired - highly recommended in warm climates) ,icy Martini glass, and the toothpick skewering one or two delectable stuffed olives.  Then the spray bottle of vermouth is used to cover the glass, ice and olives with a fine spray to taste.  The vermouth will stick to the sides of the glass and freeze in place, and will not puddle unlike the shaken (OR stirred) versions.  Savior it while thinking contented thoughts of the Hoosier state.

A note on olives: While pimiento-stuffed are traditional, in South Africa there was a wonderful market with an olive lady that offered, garlic, almond, blue cheese or even feta cheese-stuffed olives.  All add a unique flavor.  It is a little known fact that the American martini saved Western Civilization by boosting the market for olives.  Until Americans invented the Martini, the olive industry was on the ropes.  Greece and Italy would have suffered complete economic collapse as a result of the growing use of alternative substances to olives in cooking oil, fuel etc.  So the next time you are criticized by spouses and left-wingers for downing Hoosier Martinis, remind those SOBs that you are in fact doing your part to ensure the preservation of peace, democracy, free speech and free love.  And quite possibly you're undermining a dictatorship or two as well.

A note on Gin: There is a wide variety of Gins, and while I certainly prefer Bombay Sapphire, I've also found Burnett's to have a wonderful true gin flavor, though the cheap price and plastic bottle dissuade many from trying it.

A warning: One Hoosier Martini is quite nice.  Two is even better.  Three will kill you dead.

Can't Hack Martinis? Check out this excellent site - the Webtender:
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If you have comments, suggestions, death threats or friendly insights, email me at
Hoosier84@Hoosier84.com

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